Him: Offering Dion Phaneuf and Marty Turco, for...
Me: ...John Carlson and Roberto Luongo.
While the trade itself struck me as humorous in an absurdist sort of way, my would-be trading partner felt the need to include the following justification for the deal:
"I will take your worst defender for a great defender. Also i will swap for Lungo (sic). You have Lundqvist, he can carry you alone. Turco will be really good with the defending Stanley Cup Champions in front of him. Think about it, they made Niemi look like an all star. Send counter if you dont like, but seems fair to me. Youll still get goalie stats, now you get help up front. 10 for 50 and 86 for 235 ranking, favors you."
Get that? Phaneuf is a "great defender". Turco will be "really good". Also, the trade "seems fair", though in the end, it actually (somehow, magically, mysteriously) "favors you" (meaning me).
I don't know exactly when the milk first exited my nostrils, but it was probably at the "great defender" line. At first, I couldn't decide whether this was a serious offer, or seriously tongue-in-cheek. After a couple of re-reads, I decided it had to be serious. Well, I couldn't simply decline the offer without comment, so I made a counter-offer of Luongo and David Booth for Turco and Ilya Kovalchuk, with the following comment:
"Phaneuf is a 'great defender'? Seriously? C'mon, man - just because I'm from Dallas doesn't mean that I don't know anything about hockey...And because I'm from Dallas, I know all about Turco's inconsistencies. One week he's a world beater, the next week, he's stink on ice. I'm keeping Carlson because he's going to be this year's Tyler Myers. As for my counter, Booth is healthy and poised to lead a rebuilding Florida club. Points you lose in swapping Kovy for Booth, you'll make up by getting Luongo for Turco. Sacrifice some goals, improve your goalie stats."
While I wait for a response, I'm starting to rethink Phaneuf. If he and Elisha Cuthbert are still an item, she could sit with me in the Owners' Box for all our home games. Hmmm...
Take me back to On Goal Analysis.